Embarrassment of the Week

"So you're pretty sedentary, eh?" He flipped through my chart with a condesending air, God-complex intact, practically rolling his eyes behind the glasses perched half way down his nose.

"I walk my Great Dane a lot. I do pilates. Working out more is definitely a priority for me this year."

"Well, your EKG is perfect. It's not your heart. Take off your shirt and let's have a feel." If he wasn't the doctor on call I would have slapped him for the leer in his voice. I'm only thirty something--I knew it wasn't my heart. If the damn throbbing in my chest hadn't persisted all week, I wouldn't have bothered putting myself through another painfully embarrassing appointment.

"Okay..."

"Your enormous dog hasn't pulled on you especially hard lately, eh?" He smirked easily as he spoke.

"No, she's pretty well trained. She walks by my side most of the time." Huge exaggeration on my part--Bella tugs me constantly when we walk (someone call the Dog Whisperer stat) but I didn't want to admit that I hadn't walked her in a week since the temperatures dropped below freezing. The dog hates me right now.

"Well, everything feels fine." Asshole. He's enjoying second base. I try to focus on his shiny balding head as he leans over me and feels me up.

"What about here?" I cringed as he pressed on the ribs between my breasts and nearly passed out from the pain.

"Um...Ow."

"Okay. I have a diagnosis. You've got Costal Chondritis. It's when the cartilage between your ribs becomes inflamed. Many patients describe it as a burning sensation in their chest, like you did."

"Will it go away?"

"Eventually." He turned away and began scribbling on my chart while I put on my clothes. That's it? That's all I get?

"What caused it? What should I do?"

"Your previous case of bronchitis probably triggered it. Take Aleve and wait. If it doesn't go away in a few weeks, come back and I'll check you again. Regardless, make another appointment for two weeks from today."

Prick.

"I'll make another appointment on my way out..." when hell freezes over. Don't they teach bed side manners in medical school? Someone needs a refresher course.